Do we stay or do we go?? It is the question that has plagued us for over a year now. Last year this time we were signing a lease for our current apartment and moving from a furnished house into an unfurnished apartment. We went about furnishing the entire apartment in under 3 weeks. - beds, desks, tables, chairs, towels, dishes, vacuum cleaner, washing machine, drying rack, pictures, mirrors, hangers, toilet brushes... it was overwhelming but we did it. And the entire time we were doing it we knew that it could all be just for 6 months of use. At the time we still didn't know if we would stay a second year. And now, since we have returned for our second year the thought of staying a third or even a fourth year here is front of mind most days.
I really sit so squarely in the middle of that fence that a slight breeze from either side has me toppling over. But not for long because then a breeze from the other side comes along and pushes me back to the center to wait for the next breeze. Honestly, it is quite exhausting.
There are so many things here that we know are better for us and better for our family. Very top of the list is the kids school. It is top notch, world renowned and is filled with great kids, parents and teachers. We feel very thankful for the school and know that in the long run keeping the kids here at this school is a better option than the good schools they came from in West Seattle.
We also know that our family life here is much better. Marty's work hours and attitude is so much more livable. He is present, he isn't always tired, he is involved with the kids and is available most of the week.
The culture here is really better for raising kids. There is so much freedom and scaffolding as they grow into independent adults. The experiences they are getting here - from public transportation to awesome field trips to becoming bilingual/bicultural to our awesome travels around Europe - those are not available in the same way in Seattle.
All of this doesn't even include the political climate in the States right now and that by living here we aren't daily assaulted by what the government is doing. We don't have to worry about our kids being shot in school or in a park or in a theater or church or.... Health care here is amazing. So many really positive, healthy, incredible things here. Things I truly love.
And yet, given all that, we have our families, friends and roots in Seattle. After Simone left I felt homesick for my family and long time friends. I have met some incredible friends here, many will be lifelong friends, I'm sure of it but there is something different about the roots I have with friends in Seattle. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the familiar. I miss my house. I miss an easy and relaxing trip to the grocery store, I miss my garbage disposal, I miss the ease of having a car, I miss the friendships both of my kids have with their bestest of friends in Seattle and I miss the families that they each come from, I miss knowing what is expected of me and communicating with the random stranger. I miss all those things and yet I don't feel like our family is done here yet. And so... I sit. Squarely in the middle of the fence with two really awesome options on both sides of that fence.
Marty and I keep saying that we really just need to make a decision and stick with it. And this time it feels like if we stay in Germany we need to make it for 2 years. One year goes by so fast and if we stay we really need to put down roots here too. I sense in all of us a bit of hesitation in putting down roots because what if we leave again in 6 months. I don't buy that extra frying pan or nicer sheets because we can all deal with what we've got for 6 months. Marty can deal with his squeaky bike that is falling apart for 6 months but if we stay it would be nice to invest in some of those things.
The fence. I'm in the middle of it wishing there was some big sign pointing us in the right and best direction. Until then, in the middle of the fence I shall sit and try not to think about either side too much.
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